About me
So who is this Anna who is telling you all this stuff? It’s about time I told you a bit about myself.
First, you’ve probably guessed by now that I’m not the kind of blogger who writes in intimate detail about my daily life. I’ve never quite understood why some people want to do this – it’s just not my thing to reveal so much to the whole world. One reason is that Anna is my real name, so I can’t hide behind a pseudonym. But I will reveal bits of my life as we go along, when they are relevant to what I’m trying to say.
Some basic facts: I live in London, UK; I’m in my mid-30s; I am a bisexual woman. I am in a long-term open relationship; I am good friends with my previous long-term partner, with whom I also had an open relationship. I’ve been researching ethical non-monogamy since 2004. I am a Quaker. I am very lucky to be part of a close family that have supported this project from the beginning.
Personality-wise, I’m a bit of an intellectual: sometimes I’d rather retreat into a book than deal with the world around me, but sometimes I think I can be intellectual in a useful way. I have been accused of being tactless, though I can be sensitive too. I have lots of good acquaintances and just a few very close friends. I can bluff proficiently in geek, but I’m not really a geek (I’m on the edge – see below). I like personality tests, so for those who are interested in them too, I am a type 5 on the Enneagram and INTJ in Myers Briggs. Oh, and a Capricorn if you believe in that stuff too – the bit about being down to earth seems right, anyway. I value free time over possessions and comfort over beauty. I’m a fan of Terry Pratchett, Heroes, OpenOffice and David Attenborough.
One thing I’ve realised is that I’m someone who feels comfortable on the edge of groups of people. Most relevant to this blog is that I’m on the edge of the bisexual community. I am sometimes attracted to women as well as men, and I’ve been to events such as Bicon and London bisexual groups (BU and LBWG) for ten or so years. But for most of that time my primary partner has been a man and I find I fit well enough into the mainstream heterosexual community. Well, mostly: I’ve always had a problem with marriage and the assumption of monogamy, so I knew I wasn’t going to settle down and be a good wife, even if I did find one man I wanted to stay with. This led me to the polyamory community, which I suppose I am part of, though I sometimes get the feeling I’m ‘not poly enough’.
Through the bi and poly communities I’ve met quite a few people who are into BDSM (Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS), Sadism and Masochism (SM); see this useful article for a fuller definition). I’ve discovered that the BDSM community is a thriving one that overlaps with the bisexual community. This is particularly important here, because although I’m only on the very edge of the BDSM community, I have learned quite a bit from them about negotiation, about being straightforward and upfront about the kind of relationship and/or sex and want, and about going out to find someone who wants to offer you that. It is the antithesis of the hetero romantic ideal of just waiting for someone special to come along and then sticking with them even if you find they can’t turn you on. I find this a refreshing way of thinking and I would like to help those not in the BDSM community to hear more about it.
So that’s an advantage of being on the edge: you can help one group to understand and learn from another, while not being so deeply involved in either group that what you say isn’t heard by the others. Of course the risk of being on the edge is that you can be accused by both groups of not knowing the full story!
Another group I’m on the edge of is ‘religious people’. I am part of the British tradition of liberal unprogrammed Quakerism, which I see as sitting on the liberal edge of Christianity, and perhaps even on the edge of religion altogether, which allows Quakers at times to help nonreligious people to understand why the concept of God is useful to some, and to help religious people to understand why it is less useful to others. You won’t see much about religion in this blog, but Quakerism has very much influenced my ethical principle, and particularly my willingness to question assumptions about morality.
Finally, I am also on the edge of the ‘scientists’ group. I studied biology, did a PhD in evolutionary biology and did a research job for a couple of years, became an editor on several biology journals and then went freelance – moving one step away from scientists and then another but still reading research as part of my job. I’m hoping that in the Open Fidelity project I can use the scientific way of thinking and apply it to human relationships, in so far as it can be applied to such complex systems. For example, I like to state my assumptions, put forward hypotheses, look for evidence, and question any conclusion that lacks strong evidence. I also like the way that scientists criticise each other’s ideas as ideas, usually managing not to make criticisms personal. I hope you will criticise my ideas in the same spirit.
I hope this helps you feel you know me, at least a little. In the next post I promise I’ll start on the real-life stories of Open Fidelity without further delay!
[Edited 2009 to remove surname]
Filed under: About