Comments on: Promises http://openfidelity.info/2008/04/14/promises/ Faithfulness with or without monogamy Mon, 26 Sep 2011 19:25:55 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Dana http://openfidelity.info/2008/04/14/promises/comment-page-1/#comment-60 Dana Sun, 07 Dec 2008 07:21:27 +0000 http://openfidelity.info/2008/04/14/promises/#comment-60 Hum...I can see the point of a lot of this, and this is mostly how my husband and I manage (he's poly, I'm mono). The catch is always that bit about how it's ok to renegotiate promises simply because you find it's difficult to keep them. I just can't agree that finding something difficult is sufficient reason to go back on your word. If you're breaking down mentally or physically, and I mean really, life-threateningly breaking to pieces, then sure, it's ok to unilaterally decide that the promise can't be kept and to demand renegotiation. In any other case, I'd say that you can explain your difficulty to your partner(s) and ask to renegotiate, but if any one of them says no, then, well, suck it up: what has been promised must be performed. The way I see it, renegotiating just because something is inconvenient or painful is a clear statement that you place your own happiness above your partners' and that your word of honor is worth less to you than getting what you want. At least that's the standard I apply to myself. If I say I'm ok with my husband dating someone and we let that person into our lives, then even if I later find I really don't get along with her, I have no right to go back and demand that my husband renegotiate her presence in our lives. I can request my husband and her to renegotiate with me, but if they say no, then I have to keep my word and live with her being in my life, like it or not, no matter how painful and inconvenient I find it. It's a matter of ethics, the way I look at it: maximizing my own happiness at other peoples' expense is just not ethical. I'm in charge of my own feelings. My first task is to keep my word and my second task is to manage my own feelings so that I accept the situation and don't let myself feel angry or resentful towards the other people in the situation just because they don't want to do what I would find most pleasant. I gave my word, now it's my own responsibility to live with the situation that I created for myself, and it's also my responsibility not to take out my pain on my husband. I expect the same kind of consideration from my husband and his girlfriends. That sometimes leads to friction, because my husband, like you in this post, seems to take the position that whenever something is difficult, he shouldn't have to follow through, and I shouldn't have any right to demand that keep his word. In a really tight place, he tends to just say he felt pressured to promise in the first place, and so his promise doesn't count. Huh? In what way is a grown man not responsible for what comes out of his own mouth? If he promises something he isn't keen on just to shut me up and stop negotiation, then that's his problem, not mine. The promise still holds. How do you see it? Hum…I can see the point of a lot of this, and this is mostly how my husband and I manage (he’s poly, I’m mono). The catch is always that bit about how it’s ok to renegotiate promises simply because you find it’s difficult to keep them.

I just can’t agree that finding something difficult is sufficient reason to go back on your word. If you’re breaking down mentally or physically, and I mean really, life-threateningly breaking to pieces, then sure, it’s ok to unilaterally decide that the promise can’t be kept and to demand renegotiation.

In any other case, I’d say that you can explain your difficulty to your partner(s) and ask to renegotiate, but if any one of them says no, then, well, suck it up: what has been promised must be performed.

The way I see it, renegotiating just because something is inconvenient or painful is a clear statement that you place your own happiness above your partners’ and that your word of honor is worth less to you than getting what you want.

At least that’s the standard I apply to myself. If I say I’m ok with my husband dating someone and we let that person into our lives, then even if I later find I really don’t get along with her, I have no right to go back and demand that my husband renegotiate her presence in our lives. I can request my husband and her to renegotiate with me, but if they say no, then I have to keep my word and live with her being in my life, like it or not, no matter how painful and inconvenient I find it.

It’s a matter of ethics, the way I look at it: maximizing my own happiness at other peoples’ expense is just not ethical. I’m in charge of my own feelings. My first task is to keep my word and my second task is to manage my own feelings so that I accept the situation and don’t let myself feel angry or resentful towards the other people in the situation just because they don’t want to do what I would find most pleasant.

I gave my word, now it’s my own responsibility to live with the situation that I created for myself, and it’s also my responsibility not to take out my pain on my husband.

I expect the same kind of consideration from my husband and his girlfriends. That sometimes leads to friction, because my husband, like you in this post, seems to take the position that whenever something is difficult, he shouldn’t have to follow through, and I shouldn’t have any right to demand that keep his word. In a really tight place, he tends to just say he felt pressured to promise in the first place, and so his promise doesn’t count. Huh? In what way is a grown man not responsible for what comes out of his own mouth? If he promises something he isn’t keen on just to shut me up and stop negotiation, then that’s his problem, not mine. The promise still holds.

How do you see it?

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