Comments on: Kinds of Open Fidelity http://openfidelity.info/2008/04/18/kinds-of-open-fidelity/ Faithfulness with or without monogamy Sun, 17 May 2009 14:19:30 +0100 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: AnnaS http://openfidelity.info/2008/04/18/kinds-of-open-fidelity/comment-page-1/#comment-70 AnnaS Sun, 17 May 2009 14:19:30 +0000 http://openfidelity.info/2008/04/18/kinds-of-open-fidelity/#comment-70 Hi Kim Wow, that's an interesting arrangement! I haven't heard of anything similar, no, and I haven't seen it written about. Having said that, I would think that the main principles still apply, so any of the books I recommend on the right would still be useful. Anthony Ravenscroft's "Polyamory: Roadmaps for the clueless and hopeful" has a lot of detailed discussion for people who are already in poly relationships, so that might be the most appropriate book. Hope that helps, and good luck in managing the complications! Hi Kim

Wow, that’s an interesting arrangement! I haven’t heard of anything similar, no, and I haven’t seen it written about. Having said that, I would think that the main principles still apply, so any of the books I recommend on the right would still be useful. Anthony Ravenscroft’s “Polyamory: Roadmaps for the clueless and hopeful” has a lot of detailed discussion for people who are already in poly relationships, so that might be the most appropriate book.

Hope that helps, and good luck in managing the complications!

]]> By: Kim de Vries http://openfidelity.info/2008/04/18/kinds-of-open-fidelity/comment-page-1/#comment-69 Kim de Vries Sun, 17 May 2009 00:25:46 +0000 http://openfidelity.info/2008/04/18/kinds-of-open-fidelity/#comment-69 Hi Anna, Just found your blog and find it very interesting. I'm involved in an even more complicated model; if you know anyone who has written about the kind of network I'll describe, do let me know where to find them! My husband and I are involved with two other couples; one of the other men is my BF and his wife is my husband's GF. They have a similar relationship with the third couple, and I have started developing a relationship with that fellow, and my husband and his wife are interested in each other as well. And, (if this weren't enough) all three of us women are at least a little bi and are somewhat involved with each other, though that hasn't gone very far yet. Mostly it feels great, but sometimes it feels very complicated and hard to balance. Suggestions of resources would be great. Most poly books and sites I've looked at seem to be about the first and second models, or occasionally triads. Thanks! Hi Anna,

Just found your blog and find it very interesting. I’m involved in an even more complicated model; if you know anyone who has written about the kind of network I’ll describe, do let me know where to find them!

My husband and I are involved with two other couples; one of the other men is my BF and his wife is my husband’s GF. They have a similar relationship with the third couple, and I have started developing a relationship with that fellow, and my husband and his wife are interested in each other as well. And, (if this weren’t enough) all three of us women are at least a little bi and are somewhat involved with each other, though that hasn’t gone very far yet.

Mostly it feels great, but sometimes it feels very complicated and hard to balance. Suggestions of resources would be great. Most poly books and sites I’ve looked at seem to be about the first and second models, or occasionally triads.

Thanks!

]]> By: Dana http://openfidelity.info/2008/04/18/kinds-of-open-fidelity/comment-page-1/#comment-61 Dana Sun, 07 Dec 2008 07:40:32 +0000 http://openfidelity.info/2008/04/18/kinds-of-open-fidelity/#comment-61 This is an interesting thing, and something I struggle with with my poly husband, who is type 4 of your definition, an open network person who doesn't think of anyone as primary. You've said elsewhere that part of your definition of fidelity is putting your partner first, and that's what I, as a hardwired monogamous person, want most from my husband. But as a type 4 person, he of course doesn't put me first, because all his partners are equal in his own mind. He looks at each situation and does his best to put whoever first that he judges most needs to be put first in that particular situation. That leaves me feeling deeply unloved. As a monogamous person, I want to be put first every time, by default, unless I myself agree to waive my "firstness" out of consideration for the other people in the situation. For me, being put first by default is what commitment means, by definition. For me, love implies devotion, not just warm feelings, and commitment implies prioritization. In addition, I feel it's deeply disrespectful and highly controlling for my husband to decide who is going to be his priority in any given situation, without me (or the other women involved) having anything to say about it. For me, such behavior would show that he has no fidelity or commitment to any of us. What's your take on reconciling type 4 people with your definition of fidelity? This is an interesting thing, and something I struggle with with my poly husband, who is type 4 of your definition, an open network person who doesn’t think of anyone as primary. You’ve said elsewhere that part of your definition of fidelity is putting your partner first, and that’s what I, as a hardwired monogamous person, want most from my husband. But as a type 4 person, he of course doesn’t put me first, because all his partners are equal in his own mind. He looks at each situation and does his best to put whoever first that he judges most needs to be put first in that particular situation. That leaves me feeling deeply unloved. As a monogamous person, I want to be put first every time, by default, unless I myself agree to waive my “firstness” out of consideration for the other people in the situation. For me, being put first by default is what commitment means, by definition. For me, love implies devotion, not just warm feelings, and commitment implies prioritization.

In addition, I feel it’s deeply disrespectful and highly controlling for my husband to decide who is going to be his priority in any given situation, without me (or the other women involved) having anything to say about it. For me, such behavior would show that he has no fidelity or commitment to any of us.

What’s your take on reconciling type 4 people with your definition of fidelity?

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