Creating an Open Fidelity community

I’ve been away for a while, and I’ve been thinking about why I am writing this blog. It is partly because I hope that what I write here will be helpful to people struggling with monogamy and/or infidelity. But is this blog actually helping you, dear readers? And will you help me make it even  better?

My vision for this site was, and still is, of a place where people concerned with these issues could talk to each other, share their stories, and form a community. It hasn’t yet happened, but I hope it can start  happening now.

If you have found any posts useful, please comment on them and say so. If you think something I have said is mistaken, or unclear, or over-simplified, please comment. If you have a story that relates to something I’ve written, please add it. If you think the whole concept is rubbish, I’d love to hear why – and then other readers can comment on what you say.

You can do all this without revealing your identity to other readers, and if you wish you don’t even have to give me any idea of your identity either. To comment you need to register (I insist on this to avoid spam comments), and that requires only an email address, which only I will see, and a username, which others will see. If you wish you can set up a new webmail address using a service like GMail, Yahoo or Hotmail, which can make you completely anonymous.

In time, the amount of discussion this blog generates will show how useful it is being. If it isn’t useful, maybe I’ll eventually call it a day though I fully intend to keep posting for a good while yet!

9 Responses to “Creating an Open Fidelity community”

  1. I’ve enjoyed a number of your posts, and I think it is helpful. I, too, have a desire to build a community in my area, as I think community is fundamental to helping those in alternative lifestyles cope with their way of life. I think it’s wonderful that you’re speaking up for what you believe, and aiding those who may have questions. I pass along your site to a number of people, and I have it on my own site, too. Best of luck and please keep writing.

  2. I’m really making an effort here in order to give you some feedback, which goes to demonstrate my appreciation of your blog.

    I do specifically check up on news of your blog and enjoy your un-biased view points, that provide more insight on the whole spectrum of and around open fidelity . The constructive, open and positive attitude with which you communicate really helps to make things more accessible.

    From my side please keep it up, and I might even write a comment in the future!

  3. Thanks Killian and Beena for making the effort to comment. I have had comments by email too about how difficult it is to comment here, so I will look into making it easier, I promise. Any suggestions would be welcome on ways to do this. Thanks again


  4. Anna, I’ve just come upon this blog (thanks, Facebook) and want to thank you so much for creating it. Reading your words, I feel so understood…and I haven’t even understood myself lately. I’m in somewhat of a Helen-like situation myself, in which I’m deeply in love with my husband and feel that our marriage is incredibly solid, and yet I’ve begun sharing deep physical and emotional intimacy with another man who is a good friend of mine. I thought I was crazy to think that I may actually be a better wife and even more devoted to my husband because of all the joy I’m experiencing–yet here I see that’s very possible and perhaps I’m not insane after all. :-)

    I know that it will take me a huge amount of courage to tell my husband what’s going on (I fear sadness, jealousy, insecurity–so many feelings that I would never want the person most important to me in the world to feel). But I realize that sharing this with him is a far more healthy and realistic option than either ending it or hiding it. So let me again say thank you for the blog, and please keep it up, and I hope that a community does form here. I’d be delighted to be a part of it.

  5. Sam, comments like yours are what makes this whole project worthwhile – I’m so, so glad I have helped. This joy you are experiencing isn’t crazy, and yes, it could make you more devoted to your husband. Isn’t it amazing! And it is possible that your husband might share your joy when you tell him, though I can’t predict of course, not knowing him or you.

    I’m sure your experience will be useful for other readers here, so do keep us posted on how things go. Good luck, and have courage – I have faith that it will be worth it.

  6. I am new to your site. A friend gave me the link and I’ve now bookmarked you as I have found somewhere where there are people like me!

    All my life I’ve believed in primary and secondary relationships – I even ‘made up’ the exact terms to try to describe to my exsaperated friends, what I believed in and wanted to live. No one around me understood – no one ever has. I was just bad or a hippy, or whatever.

    Then I met my friend and by chance he told me he was ‘a’ poly and explained what that meant to him. It was more or less what I had always believed and I was stunned. I’m in my early 40s and for the first time in my life feel like I know who I am and feel comfortable with this part of my life.

    My friend and I are still in the very early stages of ‘us’ – and we have much talking and negotiation of where we’re going and what a secondary relationship could mean to us if anything. I’m sure I’ll find it a hard but enlightening process.

    Obviously it’s exciting meeting someone new and naturally I want to spend loads of time with him just now. Yet interestingly , I don’t feel the need to rush in to sorting out what it’s all about with urgency. Strangely, I feel comfortable and able to just relax in finding out that who I am, is OK and not bad, wrong or selfish. The relief is immense.

    Thank you for your site, postings and links. I am ploughing through it all and have read things that have perhaps challenged and made me think more than ever before. There are somethings I don’t understand yet, somethings that are just far too wacky for me and other things that fit as a glove.

    To say I am beginning to feel alive in a way never experienced before is not an overstatement – it seems that to be true to ones self is vital in order to live in ones skin.

    My friend has a significant role in what is happening to me – not because of our loving friendship (although even though it’s very early days, I like it very much ;-) ), but because he believes in a way of life that I share and I’ve never met anyone else who does and lives it successfully and honestly.

  7. I really appreciate your blog and have missed that there were no posts the last couple of weeks.
    My situation is “pre-Sam” above, but where I told my SO my feelings before doing anything, and I haven’t actually done anything. I don’t know what will happen in the end but I have hope.

  8. Hi – I’m writing as someone who’s just passed the 25th anniversary of my crucial poly-amorous time, and I’m still in a strong relationship with my husband of 40 years. Telling my husband about my love for the other man was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done – I was literally shaking as I prepared to do it and then did it – but it was also the most important and life-changing thing. It made me realise that he valued me for who I really am, rather than for his possession of me. It’s good to read all these postings, Anna, and see that everyone is so individual and different in their experiences, but we can help each other by saying how things are, however that is.

  9. It’s wonderful to hear about the happy-ending stories of open fidelity. I like this expression much better than polyamory, by the way (open fidelity). As someone who began loving another woman alongside my wife last year, who tried to reconcile the two (all the while not feeling there’s any conflict within me, in my heart as it were) — and now having reached a point where we all met and discussed this (not without a good share of tears and hurt and harshness at times…), I’m finding it hard to believe that it can go on in this case, with the people I’m involved with now.

    My wife is completely shut off from opening up our relationship in any way. It seems that I simply cannot convey to her the feelings and the joy I had, she cannot see how my feelings for her were, at one point, immensely augmented due to the love I was feeling for another (paradoxically, yes, everyone here seems to have experienced this paradox). She just takes life seriously and feels great pain because she perceives this as a huge threat to her and to ‘us’.

    What I thought I would say through this is that truly this isn’t for everyone. I’m in a sad situation now, one which is painful and uncertain… but I can’t go back, not only because this sense of openness is so good, not only because loving and being loved with less restrictions is amazingly good and deeply pleasurable, but also because this story has turned very much into a journey of self-discovery and the more I find myself (ie the more authentic I become), the more I see and feel the sense in this way of being…

    So thank you, Anna, for this blog.