Comments for Open Fidelity

Comment on About Open Fidelity by Tomas

Tomas — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 21:45:16 +0000

Below a review of the zine “With open hands” published by Leeds-based Godhaven Ink. Godhaven are an interesting outfit who have alos published articles on polyamorous parenting and other aspects of polyfidelity. Warmly recommended to all travellers in love! Check them out at http://www.godhaven.org.uk

x tomas

“With Open Hands” started life as a love letter. Paxus from the zine publisher Fingerbook Project was told by his lover that she didn’t mind him seeing other people but didn’t want to do it herself. Then she met Chuck. Finding it complicated and uncharted territory, she asked Paxus to help her avoid mistakes he’d made.

He wrote a detailed, thoughtful, encouraging and long letter. With the help of friends, his response was expanded to become the excellent zine With Open Hands.

The key thing about open relationships is that they accept the uniqueness of the situation. Each relationship is different, and each evolves over time. Yet, there are certain problems that are common to people first trying open relationships, and there are approaches and ideas that can help steer them round.

Always compassionate, this zine is really useful for anyone keen to keep their love as bright and free as can be.

As we’d got a dodgy 58th generation photocopy, before reprinting we decided to retype the text, rescan the images and lay it out from scratch. In typing it up, Merrick found there were things to add, points and aspects and ideas that followed on from the original text. So, in keeping with the anti-copyright spirit of Godhaven Ink and Fingerbook Project, he just wrote them in to create this considerably expanded edition.

Comment on A Creative Commons licence for blog and book by Alice

Alice — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 11:54:11 +0000

I think this is great. Well done Anna, I think you made a wise decision.

Comment on A Creative Commons licence for blog and book by AnnaS

AnnaS — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 08:32:24 +0000

Hi Sam

I’m really glad that you managed to tell your husband and that he has understood. Thanks for telling your story here - it will be an inspiration to others, showing that this most difficult thing can be done. I’m so glad I’ve been of some help.

Comment on A Creative Commons licence for blog and book by sam1981

sam1981 — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 02:01:00 +0000

Hi Anna,
Thanks so much for making your book available online! I’ve downloaded it and can’t wait to read. Also, a quick update: If you remember my comment a little over a month ago, I had fallen in love with someone other than my husband. I’ve since told my husband and, although there were some painful moments as we struggled to understand each other and heal from the secrets, we’ve now reached a place of true understanding. We both believe that opening our marriage up, rather than forcing ourselves to deny feelings and experiences that could be beautiful, is the healthiest thing possible for us. There is still plenty of adjustment and communication to do (for me and my husband, as well as me and my new partner), but we’re doing remarkably well so far! I credit your writings with giving me a new understanding of myself and my marriage, and giving me the courage to do the best possible thing in my situation. Thank you so very much for sharing your much-needed perspective with the world.
Much love,
Sam

Comment on Creating an Open Fidelity community by Chip

Chip — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 22:19:41 +0000

It’s wonderful to hear about the happy-ending stories of open fidelity. I like this expression much better than polyamory, by the way (open fidelity). As someone who began loving another woman alongside my wife last year, who tried to reconcile the two (all the while not feeling there’s any conflict within me, in my heart as it were) — and now having reached a point where we all met and discussed this (not without a good share of tears and hurt and harshness at times…), I’m finding it hard to believe that it can go on in this case, with the people I’m involved with now.

My wife is completely shut off from opening up our relationship in any way. It seems that I simply cannot convey to her the feelings and the joy I had, she cannot see how my feelings for her were, at one point, immensely augmented due to the love I was feeling for another (paradoxically, yes, everyone here seems to have experienced this paradox). She just takes life seriously and feels great pain because she perceives this as a huge threat to her and to ‘us’.

What I thought I would say through this is that truly this isn’t for everyone. I’m in a sad situation now, one which is painful and uncertain… but I can’t go back, not only because this sense of openness is so good, not only because loving and being loved with less restrictions is amazingly good and deeply pleasurable, but also because this story has turned very much into a journey of self-discovery and the more I find myself (ie the more authentic I become), the more I see and feel the sense in this way of being…

So thank you, Anna, for this blog.

Comment on Some relevant things from elsewhere by Alice

Alice — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 20:08:45 +0000

Just checking back on your website after a few months - good to catch up, so leaving a comment to let you know you’re not speaking into an empty room!

The Starhawk book sounds interesting, thanks for posting a review. I’ll look it out. Now back to reading the rest of your blog.

Comment on Some relevant things from elsewhere by Sharon

Sharon — Wed, 28 May 2008 09:49:17 +0000

Being lent this book earlier this year was one element in a string of coincidences that led me to decide that polyamory is for me. Glad you’re recommending it.

Comment on Commenting now easier by stargazer

stargazer — Mon, 19 May 2008 06:37:43 +0000

Thanks for sorting out the ‘visible email’ problem - it was me who panicked. It made me realise how difficult the web can be - if I’m trying to sort out my most intimate feelings and experiences and finding them at odds with the cultural norm, I don’t want to be visible to the whole world while I’m doing it. On the other hand, it’s wonderful to have this way of communicating, to know that so many people are being honest to themselves and to the people they love, and how else could we do it than here on the www, with people like Anna being willing to initiate it and moderate it? Thanks, Anna, and everyone.

Comment on Commenting now easier by jo

jo — Sun, 18 May 2008 17:44:39 +0000

Hi. I have only recently found this site and am still absorbing all the info and advice it has to offer. I really hope you continue to run it and that more people will join in with comments and discussion on the blog. The open fidelity philosophy/idea is one I feel can be a positive lifestyle choice for many. I am still struggling with my own feelings of jealousy(which gets in the way of progress) and the internal imprint of the cultural norm that I carry around with me. When I am able to shed these restrictions I feel more secure and liberated than I have ever felt and yet it is hard to hold onto it for long. I do think for many it is more natural to share and feel love for more than one person. Thanks for creating this site and sharing your feelings and views on this subject.

Comment on Creating an Open Fidelity community by stargazer

stargazer — Sun, 18 May 2008 07:09:14 +0000

Hi - I’m writing as someone who’s just passed the 25th anniversary of my crucial poly-amorous time, and I’m still in a strong relationship with my husband of 40 years. Telling my husband about my love for the other man was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done - I was literally shaking as I prepared to do it and then did it - but it was also the most important and life-changing thing. It made me realise that he valued me for who I really am, rather than for his possession of me. It’s good to read all these postings, Anna, and see that everyone is so individual and different in their experiences, but we can help each other by saying how things are, however that is.