It’s part of a series called ‘Sex – How To Do Everything’, which will be filmed next week. I will be in a studio discussion with the presenters, Em and Lo, focusing on how to have an open relationship. It is produced by TalkbackTHAMES, which is a company well known to UK TV viewers, having produced shows such as Grand Designs and QI (oh yes, and X Factor ). It will be on Channel Five at 11pm, on a Thursday some time in June or July (yes, I’ll let you know exactly when as soon as I find out) – the first episode is on 5th June. The presenters talk about it on their blog here. I’ve been promised a DVD and I will post a clip here when it’s been broadcast.

What advice would you give?

As it is a ‘how to’ show, it looks like they will be asking me questions like how a couple start to open up their relationship, how to suggest an open relationship to your partner, what problems to look out for and how to avoid them. Obviously I have lots of ideas on how to answer these questions, but there is so much that needs to be said that prioritising it is difficult.

So I’d like your help. What are the top three bits of advice you would give someone who is thinking about having an open relationship and doesn’t know where to start? Answers in a comment box please!

I’d like to think about couples who are currently monogamous (or where there has been cheating, or single people – take your pick which you focus on.

Would you like to join me on TV?

The producers are also looking for someone who is in an open/polyamorous relationship who could talk about their personal experiences: how they got into the relationship, why they wanted such a relationship and how they make it work for them. I won’t be talking about my personal experiences myself – I’m there to give general thoughts based on my research.

If anyone is interested, and can get to London next Friday, please contact me by email as soon as possible, preferably by Monday morning. I think they would be happy with one person,a couple or a group, and they haven’t mentioned any age or other restrictions. I would support you as much as I can in the process.

New Open relationships website and book

A new website has been launched, Opening up, by the US author, columnist, editor, and sex educator Tristan Taormino to accompany her book of the same title that was published on 1st May. It includes message boards, an excerpt from the book and a list of resources. It looks incredibly useful, especially for those in the USA. I hope to get hold of a copy of the book and review it here in due course.

Review of Open Fidelity – an A-Z Guide

A review of my book has been posted on Magic Penny’s polyamory blog. At the moment it is just in Norwegian, but Capricorny and Inni, authors of the blog, promise that an English version will be posted soon.

A poly novel – old but still good

I have just finished reading The Fifth Sacred Thing by Starhawk. Although it was published back in 1993 it is still the best description I have read of what a society could look like if bisexuality and polyamory were the norm. Not to mention pacifism, non-violent resistance, earth-centred spirituality and environmentalism, of course.

I resisted it for a while because it sounded like it might be a tract advocating a pagan way of life, but it isn’t a tract at all, it’s a gripping novel that imagines in great detail what life could be like in 2048. Starhawk says on her website of the San Francisco of 2048 she describes:

In general the city is an open and tolerant place, where every sexual orientation feels welcomed. Respect for diversity characterizes the approach to sexuality and family life-and no one way of being is considered the ideal or the norm. Gay, straight, queer, bi, and transgendered people are valued. Coercion and force are considered deep illnesses and crimes.

Many people, like Madrone and Bird, are comfortable with open, multiple relationships, others are monogamous, or become so as they grow older and settle down.

Sexuality is seen as a positive, creative, healing force, and the city’s art and architecture reflect that view in sculptures and spaces conducive to romance, in education about sexuality and safe sex.

Two of the main characters are Madrone (female) and Bird (male), who are lovers, and they each have other loving relationships that include sex with men and women. At one point they have a reunion with their three housemates, friends and lovers that involves all of them in a sacred sex ritual. At another point, when Madrone is travelling, she spends an enjoyable day teaching a man (Hijohn) some sexual techniques, and expresses the hope that this will help with his relationship with Katy, who is pregnant with his child. He wasn’t planning to tell Katy and assumes she will be hurt when she finds out, but Madrone says she cannot promise to lie to Katy. Katy does turn out to feel hurt, but later forgives Madrone and says she plans to get back together with Hijohn.

This is just a taste of this wonderful book, which also gives hope that nonviolent resistance to oppression and war can succeed.

In the mean time, I have in fact been busy writing for Bella magazine, who invited me to contribute to their ‘points of view’ page. The question being asked was ‘Can open relationships ever work?’ (in response, once again, to Tilda Swinton’s revelation of having two partners) and I was asked to write something for the ‘Yes’ side of the argument. The article is now out (on UK newsstands, not online). Here’s an excerpt from my bit:

An open relationship isn’t an easy option and not everyone can do it. You have to remember that you don’t own the person you love. You must listen, negotiate, keep your promises and be completely honest with your partner.

For some people, monogamy works well. But if you find monogamy difficult, an open relationship is more honest than having a secret affair.

The ‘No’ side was given by Bibi Lynch, ’sex columnist and presenter’. She says:

Of course they don’t work!… Sure, some people (and I mean philandering men, here) will bang on about how monogamy is unnatural… But I think the technical expression for that argument is ‘trying to justify our inability to keep our pants on’.

I might be biased, but her piece seemed to have been put together without much thought and certainly without much research. I appreciate that she was asked to write something specifically denying that open relationships can work, but I would have thought that with her apparent years of experience writing on sex and relationships, Bibi Lynch might have come across a few positive examples. But no, she spouts the same stuff we have all heard again and again, about ‘commitment’ making a relationship special and staying faithful to one person being what relationships are all about.

She even says that open relationships are not really relationships at all. Well, that’s a strange definition of a relationship. What about when two (or more) people love each other deeply, share their daily lives with each other, have a special bond? Does making their relationship open negate all that? Of course not.

Open relationships can, for those who go about them without much thought, be an excuse to sleep around while having a regular partner to act as a date when you need it. (See this Yahoo Answers discussion for an example.) I agree: that kind of ‘open relationship’ isn’t ideal.

But a properly thought out open relationship means considering your partner’s wish to have other lovers, not just your own. So it cannot be about ‘our inability to keep our pants on’, it is about the other partner as well. It is about giving your partner opportunities, not about selfishly wanting opportunities just for yourself.

Bibi Lynch does admit near the end of her article:

Maybe I’m an insecure fool – I did walk out of a restaurant once because my date was paying the waitress too much attention – but the thought of my boyfriend even kissing another woman makes me feel physically sick.

OK, so she is the kind of person who gets easily jealous. An open relationship is probably not the right thing for her. That doesn’t mean they aren’t great for other people.

The bias of the editorial team shows in the photo accompanying the articles (posed by models): a man and a woman smile at each other across the picture, while a stony-faced woman looks at the smiling woman and has her arms crossed and one hand on her chin, as if to say ‘hmm, what am I meant to think about this, then?’. The caption says ‘Could you trust your man with another woman?’ – again, no suggestion that the woman might be the one to benefit from opening up a relationship.

So, not an entirely balanced view, but what can we expect from a mainstream women’s magazine? It is probably the first time they have covered nonmonogamy at all, except of course for thousands of stories about infidelity. It can only be a good thing that they have presented the subject in this format, with two sides to the argument. And good for Tilda Swinton for prompting mags like this to think about ethical nonmonogamy.

I’m hoping that the intelligent readers who happen upon this article will realise that the Yes argument is carefully researched and based on facts, whereas the No argument is pure opinion. If you’re one such intelligent reader, welcome to the Open Fidelity blog and I hope you find some useful information here.

(For those not in the UK, Metro is a free daily paper distributed in all the major UK cities.)

People who push hard for years to get a bandwagon rolling are usually unprepared for what to do when the bandwagon finally starts to move… Unless the people with the original vision stop just shoving the rear bumper and run up and grab the steering wheel, pretty soon the bandwagon outruns them and leaves them behind. And their elation turns to horror as it starts careening downhill unguided, in disastrous unintended directions. And then wrecks itself spectacularly in a ditch…

So maybe it’s time for we poly activists to pay less attention to pushing the polyamory-awareness movement, and more to steering it.

Alan says we should be taking every opportunity to save the word polyamory from being cheapened, and should in particular:

Insist on the part of the definition that stresses respect and the “full knowledge and consent of all involved”

This is well said and timely. I have visions of, say, a woman on a reality TV show boasting that she are ‘polyamorous’ because she has had sex with several men recently, conveniently forgetting about the need to tell each man about the others. And the same woman would no doubt be be horrified if one of these men told her he has another partner. Save us from polyamory becoming a cool word!

But I have a feeling that this is inevitable and that the word will be misused. Alan has in fact posted some examples of its misuse last year. Yes, we poly activists should keep insisting that it is used correctly, but as an editor I know you can’t control how a word evolves, even when thousands of pedants are devoted to keeping the original meaning.

Where Open Fidelity comes in

Am I helping or hindering this process with my new term open fidelity?

On the minus side, a few people have accused me of muddying the waters by using a new term when polyamory would do just as well for most of what I am saying.

On the plus side, the term open fidelity is more easily grasped on first hearing and doesn’t need explanation, whereas polyamory usually needs a definition before the penny drops. And I feel that as the various types of ethical non-monogamous relationships become more widely discussed, it is useful to make distinctions (see my previous post on the different definitions for more on this).

It is precisely because I don’t want to dilute the definition of polyamory that I have chosen a new term to describe something related – but not identical – to it.

The important thing is that, like many others, I am doing my bit to tell the world that being monogamous isn’t the only way to be faithful, and that honest open relationships and multiple loving relationships are possible. The more of us that do that, whatever terminology we use, the better.

What do you think? Which term do you use for your own relationship(s), and do you think having both terms is useful? And what can we do to keep the meanings of both terms clear?

If you want to listen to the show online, it will be available only until tomorrow morning UK time at http://www.bbc.co.uk/suffolk/local_radio/ (click on Listen Again, and you will need to download Realplayer if you don’t already have it.

She has interviewed over a hundred people who have had no-strings-attached sex while married, without telling their spouses, and concludes that this is becoming more and more common in the UK. She also concludes that many of them don’t feel guilty about it. Women are no longer much less likely to have affairs than men, and age isn’t a barrier either.

Like so many journalists writing on this subject, Levin completely ignores the idea that someone might be honest about having sex with someone else. None of the interviewees seem to have considered for a moment the idea of telling their partners about their need for more sex, or about the fact that they are having sex with someone else. As usual, the choice seems to be between monogamy and cheating. The third article talks about what happens when the other spouse finds out, though this never seems to be through a confession.

Interestingly, there seems to be a consensus among the people interviewed that this extramarital sex keeps them sane and happy and therefore saves their marriage. To some extent I would agree with this: sex with others can enliven a relationship, as I have found myself and heard again and again from the people I’ve interviewed. But Levin does point out that “the partner who chooses to have a fling has to live a life of subterfuge and always be on the alert in case he or she is found out”. Yes, it is a big price to pay. I would go further: I’d say it the deceit that causes most of the problems, rather than the extramarital sex itself. In fact, if there is no deceit, sex with others has a much better chance of enlivening the relationship.

I want to say loud and clear to people in this situation: there is another way. You don’t have to be monogamous and you don’t have to cheat. But it requires talking to your spouse and telling them about your needs.

Here are some thoughts from an Open Fidelity perspective for someone who is married and considering having, or has had, a no-strings-attached affair, and who wants to stay in the marriage.

The ideal time to talk to your spouse about this issue is when you’re starting to feel unhappy and are tempted to cheat but before you have done anything concrete to find another sexual partner. It will be much more difficult to try and find a solution if you have already broken your original promises. But even that can be done. The longer you leave it, the more difficult it will be, either to keep the secret or to come clean. And the secret is almost bound to come out at some point.

Tell your spouse that you are having problems being monogamous. Tell them you have considered looking elsewhere for some sex, or that you have done so if that is the case. Also tell them how much you love them, how committed you feel and that you don’t want to leave them. Say that you would like to work out a way in which both of you can be sexually satisfied while still managing to stay together.

Then wait for the suggestion to sink in, for your spouse’s anger to die down, and for them to consider their options and the alternative options (the two of you splitting up; you having an affair behind their back; and you being unhappily monogamous). If your having sex with someone else with no strings attached will really not affect your love for your spouse or your relationship with them, it might be possible to convince them to accept this too (but make sure you are certain of it first!).

If you have been unhappy, the chances are they have also been unhappy, so they might be glad for the opportunity to talk about their difficulties. Who knows, they might also have been wanting something different in their sex life and have been wishing they could tell you. They might even have already guessed that you’re thinking of an affair. This will be an opportunity for you to work out what you both want and find a way in which your probably differing needs can be made compatible.

Then try, tentatively and gently, to negotiate with each other a solution that involves you getting some sexual fulfilment while staying with your spouse. I can’t say what the solution will be – each relationship is different – but I can, over the course of this blog, give you examples of people who have tried this solution and what they have learnt from the experience. Are there some rules that you can agree that will make it easier to cope with each other’s liaisons? Practising safe sex is an obvious example. Perhaps a period of strict monogamy would be a good idea while you find ways to make non-monogamy possible. Are you prepared for your spouse to have lovers too? If you find this idea difficult, ask yourself why. Look for support from others who have tried honest non-monogamy, perhaps via this blog and the links from it.

This whole blog is about this alternative to monogamy and cheating, called Open Fidelity, so keep reading if you want more tips.

She says: “Threesomes (whether purely sexual or otherwise) can work, but the setting up of any new situation must be very carefully negotiated between all parties to avoid conflicts, jealousies, resentments and the many other problems that can arise.” I’d agree with all this.

Nice to see that there are newspaper agony aunts who are open to the idea that good relationships don’t have to be monogamous. Although she does slip up in assuming that a man with a male partner is gay…