Firstly, if you don’t know much about Quakers, there is a great website about it here and another here. Everything I say about Quakers applies only to Quakers in Britain, and possibly in other areas with a liberal tradition – beliefs and attitudes vary a lot around the world.

Quakers believe there is something of God in everyone (though our definitions of God may vary). This means that every person is valuable and has something unique and precious to offer the world. It follows that we are generally against killing people for any reason, and Quakers have a long history of peace work.

We also have ‘testimonies’, which are principles that we try to live by (though they are not set down in any form of words). The main traditional testimonies are peace, truth/integrity, equality and simplicity, and sustainability/the environment is now becoming established too.

Open Fidelity follows naturally, for me, from the testimony to truth. One aspect of this is that being truthful means accepting the facts even when they are hard to face, and it is a fact (as I’ve said before) that monogamous relationships are difficult for many people, however one might wish they were easy. And a second, more obvious aspect is that we should be honest with our partners.

Another link between Quaker views and Open Fidelity is to take the idea of each person being unique and precious and applying it to sexuality. If we are precious, and we are sexual, then our sexuality is something to be valued and celebrated. I believe strongly that sexuality is part of being human and is thus sacred. And by sacred I don’t mean something to keep for marriage! Note that Quakers don’t often talk in these terms about sexuality in my experience, but I and many of my Quaker friends feel this way of thinking is compatible with Quakerism.

Jesus said we should love our neighbour as ourselves. I’ve heard this interpreted, including in Quaker circles, as meaning we should love ourselves so as better to be able to love others. You may or may not follow everything Jesus is reported to have said, but some of it is great stuff, including this bit. Loving yourself, truly rather than narcissistically, is the basis for being a whole human being. And if you don’t love your sexuality, it will be hard to really love yourself.

But if you value yourself and your sexuality, why should you restrict how you express this by promising to be sexual with only one person? And if you want to live honestly but don’t want to be restricted by monogamy, won’t a promise of monogamy be dishonest?

The principle of equality applies strongly to Open Fidelity. It means that if I want something (such as freedom to have other partners), I have to consider that my partner might also want that, and accept that they have as much right to it as I do. Similarly, if I think I would be hurt to think my partner had cheated on me, I must assume that they would be hurt if I did the same to them. It’s just the basic do-as-you-would-be-done-by principle, otherwise known as the Golden Rule, applied to relationships.

Equality between people of all genders and sexualities is also central to my way of thinking, and it is accepted by most British Quakers, though equality of sexuality isn’t accepted by Quakers in some parts of the world. I believe same-sex relationships to be as valuable as opposite-sex relationships. Of course you can use some of the suggestions I make if you aren’t as convinced of this as I am, but I think you’ll be missing out!

Simplicity and peace aren’t so directly linked to Open Fidelity. Simplicity includes valuing the important things in life, such as love, community, time, the earth, more than things like money, possessions, status and reputation. Open Fidelity fits with this for me – valuing people for themselves rather than their possessions or status. And if more people were sexually fulfilled and stopped fighting each other over sexual jealousy, we might have fewer wars!

New Open relationships website and book

A new website has been launched, Opening up, by the US author, columnist, editor, and sex educator Tristan Taormino to accompany her book of the same title that was published on 1st May. It includes message boards, an excerpt from the book and a list of resources. It looks incredibly useful, especially for those in the USA. I hope to get hold of a copy of the book and review it here in due course.

Review of Open Fidelity – an A-Z Guide

A review of my book has been posted on Magic Penny’s polyamory blog. At the moment it is just in Norwegian, but Capricorny and Inni, authors of the blog, promise that an English version will be posted soon.

A poly novel – old but still good

I have just finished reading The Fifth Sacred Thing by Starhawk. Although it was published back in 1993 it is still the best description I have read of what a society could look like if bisexuality and polyamory were the norm. Not to mention pacifism, non-violent resistance, earth-centred spirituality and environmentalism, of course.

I resisted it for a while because it sounded like it might be a tract advocating a pagan way of life, but it isn’t a tract at all, it’s a gripping novel that imagines in great detail what life could be like in 2048. Starhawk says on her website of the San Francisco of 2048 she describes:

In general the city is an open and tolerant place, where every sexual orientation feels welcomed. Respect for diversity characterizes the approach to sexuality and family life-and no one way of being is considered the ideal or the norm. Gay, straight, queer, bi, and transgendered people are valued. Coercion and force are considered deep illnesses and crimes.

Many people, like Madrone and Bird, are comfortable with open, multiple relationships, others are monogamous, or become so as they grow older and settle down.

Sexuality is seen as a positive, creative, healing force, and the city’s art and architecture reflect that view in sculptures and spaces conducive to romance, in education about sexuality and safe sex.

Two of the main characters are Madrone (female) and Bird (male), who are lovers, and they each have other loving relationships that include sex with men and women. At one point they have a reunion with their three housemates, friends and lovers that involves all of them in a sacred sex ritual. At another point, when Madrone is travelling, she spends an enjoyable day teaching a man (Hijohn) some sexual techniques, and expresses the hope that this will help with his relationship with Katy, who is pregnant with his child. He wasn’t planning to tell Katy and assumes she will be hurt when she finds out, but Madrone says she cannot promise to lie to Katy. Katy does turn out to feel hurt, but later forgives Madrone and says she plans to get back together with Hijohn.

This is just a taste of this wonderful book, which also gives hope that nonviolent resistance to oppression and war can succeed.